The Next Transformers Movie Has A Lot To Fix... (Part 2 Of 2)

(Please note: the following blog was originally posted on my old blog Why Yes I Am Quite Random, Why Do You Ask?, a blog I can no longer access for some unknown reason. This is being put at the start of each blog I'm uploading, in case anyone comes across the blog and accuses me of plagiarism. This is explained further in my introduction blog.

The following was originally posted on Saturday, January 7th, 2012 at 6 am)

Alrighty, last time I went over my first few dislikes about the Transformers film series, including the colour scheme of the Decepticons and characters that are here one day, gone the next. Now for the remaining five gripes.

5. Say Megatron, what are we going to do tonight?

Each movie, Megatron has a new plan to restore Cybertron in some way. Fine, the G1 Megatron had a new plan virtually every episode. The problem is, with the plan of the third movie, you have to wonder why he didn't implement it right from the start. Yes, the Allspark was primarily what he was searching for, but having a space bridge as a contingency plan wouldn't hurt. And in Revenge Of The Fallen, harvesting the sun for Energon? But, wasn't the plan to restore Cybertron? Yeah, Energon will help but when you have a planet in ruins, wouldn't restoration of the structure be your first step? I mean, an Energon shortage certainly doesn't defeat the Decepticons in Dark Of The Moon.

There's no issue with the plans themselves, just that they seem kind of random. Or maybe that's just me.

4. Alas, poor...uh, dead guy?

I'm not expecting anyone in-universe to mourn the loss of the Decepticons (even if we are. *Sniffs* Poor Soundwave...) but it gets my goat that we're expected to care more about the human characters possibly dying than we are about the Autobots. What kind of eulogy does Jazz get after meeting his death in battle in the first film? NOTHING. Optimus says very little, opting instead to talk up his new awesome human friends.

Que/Wheeljack (that's how little they care, they can't decide on names for half the bloody Transformers) gets killed off unceremoniously too, probably killing him off in Dark Of The Moon because Bumblebee was too much of a cash cow.

Ironhide is about the only Autobot death that gets treated with some dignity and it's actually a true moment of horror for the viewer.

And no, I do not count the “death” of Optimus in Revenge Of The Fallen. That's what Optimus' do, they die and come back. It's like a TV rule or something. It's in the contract: Optimus dies, comes back, everyone has cake. Though, some of the series may have subverted it. Again, having not seen Armada or the sequel series, I cannot confirm one or another. Though, Transformers Animated has the shortest time between death and resurrection I believe.

3. Who are the stars again?

Sort of a combination of the points I made above, the amount of character development for most of the Transformers is... well, a lot of them don't get ANY development. Like I mentioned above, some of the Transformers aren't even named on screen, and those that are named in the credits will often have more than one name, with neither name being related to the other in some way.

About the only Transformers who get significant development throughout the series are Optimus Prime (naturally, being the leader and an icon), Megatron (same again), Starscream, Bumblebee (being the mascot and all) and to a lesser extent, Soundwave and Ironhide. Hell, Soundwave gets all of four lines in Revenge Of The Fallen! Four! And that's the movie he's introduced in! I may be biased since he's my absolute favourite Decepticon in most incarnations (particularly G1, though)

but considering he's part of the “big three” of the Decepticons, you think he'd get a bigger role. Now, that being said, it's my favourite aspect of Revenge Of The Fallen, especially given his alternate mode was a satellite, which totally works with his functions of spying and communicating.

In the first movie, it was easier to get a handle on the characters. While some of the Decepticons were characterized only by their basic traits of destructive nature and intimidation, they had their charms and quirks (like Bonecrusher and his now memetic status of hating everything). And with five Autobots, everybody had a chance to showcase who they were. OK, Jazz and Ratchet didn't get much to do, but at least we established that Jazz was fearless and seemed to take well to human culture, with Ratchet being scientifically minded (being a medic, it's not all that surprising) and desiring peace.

But with the sequels, most of them just become generic brawlers. As Bumblebee and Optimus get more screen time, and more Autobots inflate the ranks, it gets harder to pin down the personalities of each Autobot. I'm sure the tie-in comics and books go deeper, and more power to them, but it shouldn't be up to the extra materials to do that. I'm not saying they don't count, but if you can't get a hold of them, well, how does that help you?

But no, I'm sure the screentime is going to more deserving characters. Like... Sam's random classmates! Or... Leo! Or... Alice, the Decepticon Pretender!

Ugh, Alice. Don't get me started on her. Much like Skids and Mudflap, the few Transformers in sequels to get screentime and they suck. Isabel Lucas is not an actress, she's a whiny little bitch who thinks she's better than she is.

2. Toilet humor... yeah, you're aiming real high now

Not just toilet humor, but some of what passes for “humor” is just crap. The first movie brings us such “gems” as Bumblebee pissing on a human and Sam's parents being over eager in their sex talk. And maybe dogs humping, it could be the sequel. Or both, I wouldn't be surprised.

And what does Revenge Of The Fallen offer? Frat boys arguing over tight shirts (not toilet or gross humor per se but stupid nonetheless), a testicle joke made about Devastator (so this is what you think of the mighty Devastator? A goddamn punchline?) and Mrs. Witwicky getting high off pot brownies.

…

That is my least favourite part of the entire series, tying with anything to do with Alice, and is largely the reason Revenge Of The Fallen is my least favourite movie of the three. Now, I get that Mrs. Witwicky may or may not have gone to college but is she really that goddamn stupid that she doesn't even suspect there may be something a little off? And in this day and age, is it really that funny to see a middle aged housewife get high? Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I thought I was watching a Transformers movie, not “Kitty Foreman Wannabe Gets High And Acts Like An Idiot”.

Dark Of The Moon largely tunes it out, thank Primus, but Sam's parents are still there to be wacky. And annoying.

And this brings us to the number one problem I have with the Transformers film series.

1. You DO remember what the name of the series is, right?

Transformers is responsible for a term I use in regards to character creation and development. I call it “Squishy Humans Syndrome”. That's when a series with fantastical settings or concepts chooses not to focus on the cool stuff and decides we need more whiny, self-absorbed humans to fill up the character slots. The live action Green Lantern is also incredibly guilty of this, and my last few points have been hinting at it, but yes, the biggest problem is TOO MANY GODDAMN HUMANS!

Look, I get that we need some humans, G1 had Spike, Sparkplug, Carly and Chip Chase in the first two seasons. And they were great, we actually gave a rat's arse about them. But the number of likable characters (Dutch, Simmons in Dark Of The Moon, Epps, Keller, Maggie Madsen) are easily outnumbered by the characters you feel mixed about (Sam himself, Lennox, Charlotte Mearing, Carly just barely) or characters you hate with a passion (Sam's parents, Mikaela, Leo, Glen Whitmann, Bruce Brazos, Jerry Wang and especially Dylan Gould).

Michael Bay attempts to give these fleshlings backstories and histories and I have to ask “Why?” I came to see giant robots fighting each other, not for subplots about women with criminal histories who just happen to be good with cars while looking like Megan Fox (I call bullcrap on the whole thing, too. There's fanservice and then there's just looking like the old guy who wants the kids who thinks he's “hip” and “funky” and “down with the kids”. Screw the kids, kids are idiots).

G1 may not have bee perfect (loads of animation errors, new characters popping up with no proper introduction, no real changes in status quo until the third season with the exception of new characters) but at least it understood that the show was about giant, non-dull looking robots with personality taking each other on in a war for resources. Michael Bay may not have grown up with the show, and I admit I didn't see a lot of it as a kid, but I've come to respect what it started. I respect its origins. Somehow, I don't think Michael Bay does the same entirely.

Well, that was my top ten list of the problems I have with the film series.

I may do more Transformers related stuff down the track, especially focusing on the “trilogy of series” G1, Beast Wars and Beast Machines.

Will I do a top ten on what I did like about the series? Probably not, though I will come back to the films and review them individually and see if these problems can't be challenged on another viewing.