Can We Put This Wedding On Hold Indefinitely

Yep, time for another rant. This time, the rant is in the form of a movie review, the latest movie I saw on the big screen, The Five Year Engagement.

So, you can probably tell where this review is going, and the rating at the end, but I'm going to tell you the plot anyway to humor you (hey, somebody has to bring the humor here). And as surprising as this may be, there are spoilers.

Tom (Jason Segel) proposes to his girlfriend of one year, Violet (Emily Blunt) but find their plans are put on hold when Violet gets accepted into a post-doctorate psychology program at the University of Michigan and Tom willingly gives up a prime career to move to Michigan with Violet as she undergoes the program. As time passes, Tom and Violet keep putting the wedding off and drifting apart as a result.

I'm going to come right out and say it: I hate this movie. Absolutely hate it. And I did go see this willingly. No one needed to drag me along (which would be bizarre since I went alone), I actually went into the cinema thinking “Jason Segel and Emily Blunt together sounds like a great pairing! And it's a modern rom-com without Kate Hudson in sight, so maybe it'll be a smart one for a change!” But no, it was just as idiotic as most other films in the genre. And I'm an idiot for going along and seeing it.

I'm going to conduct this review a little differently and go over the five key things that this movie did that made it the worst thing I've seen this year, in no particular order of how bad each aspect is.

1. The swearing. I've seen Judd Apatow productions before, so it's not like I didn't expect some cursing, but it's off-putting to hear it used so frequently and so casually. Now, I don't like using curse words on this blog, since I want this to be more accessible and I know some people are put off by it, so what I'll do is use the word “fork” in place of the F-word. Now, this is an example of the types of sentences this movie would often indulge in:
   “Morning sweetie, how the fork did you sleep?”
   “Forking slept like a mother-forker, thank you, honey”
   “Did you want some forking pancakes for breakfast this morning?”
   OK, that might be a slight exaggeration but the point is, along with the tone, they are way too casual with the swearing. And more than once, characters would be swearing in front of children. Far be it from me to comment on raising children (especially since I've made the decision not to have children) and whatnot but I get the feeling Violet's sister, Suzie (Alison Brie), who has children, would be the kind of parent who wonders where her kids pick up bad language from without realizing how much she and her circle of friends and family swear.
   Also, pretty sure I heard the little girl talk about something that was meant to be kept between two adults. I hate that trope, the whole “Kids speak about adult things with innocence” schtick. It's not cute. And, while unrelated, getting old people to swear and use modern slang a lot, too. Not in this movie but it goes hand in hand. Yeah, stop doing those things.
2. The ending. I don't think I'm spoiling anything when I say they get married (whoa, big shock there!) but before that, there is a period in which they break up and get into other relationships for a time before getting back together (more on that later). It may have been done in a lot of other romantic comedies but I couldn't help thinking about Going The Distance, itself a mediocre film. They break up, reunite after sometime and try and pick up where they left off. And I kept thinking about Going The Distance as this movie dragged on. Except that Going The Distance was mercifully shorter and ended soon after the reunion.

          The Five Year Engagement goes about 20-30 minutes longer than that and at two hours, that's    stretching things a bit.

But it's the very end itself that is also frustrating, because it involves a surprise wedding in the park, after Violet proposes to Tom the second time around. Now, while I will admit it's clever and a little cute, since Violet and the supporting characters have given Tom several on the spot options for things like the wedding music and the choice of minister, my problem is that virtually every supporting character appears at this impromteu (to a point) wedding, despite the fact that at this point, Tom moved back to San Francisco and Violet came back for him. So, you're telling me almost every person you knew in Michigan was able to get down there quick smart for a wedding? What, they didn't have jobs or other engagements (no pun intended)? Not everybody you invite can make it to a wedding, you know. And by all of them turning up, that means they support your actions. But what if they don't agree with your relationship and think it's a bad idea? That'd be awkward.

3. The supporting characters. Which is a funny word to use, since they do little to no actual supporting. At best, the characters are one note. At worst, they are irritating, hypocritical, one joke stretched out to make a person or all of the above. The worst two offenders are Tom's best friend, Alex (Chris Pratt) and Suzie. Early on, they have a one night stand in which Suzie gets pregnant. When she discloses this to Violet, she's concerned for her future. Jump cut to Alex and Suzie's shotgun wedding. And I call it that because what else could it be? They had no build up in their “relationship”, they had drunken sex one night and all of a sudden, they're in love and married? I call shenanigans on that. People say two gay people would pollute the concept of marriage? No way, look at these two and then tell me you still believe that. Every time we see them after that, they're the typical “We need a night away from the kids because we'll kill each other with our arguments” couple. Yet they have the gall to judge Tom when he's in Michigan because he takes up hunting. Yes, he makes a few things out of the skins and fur of the animals he kills, which is perhaps a tad odd, but don't they know the situation? Were they not informed on Tom's and Violet's current standings? Doesn't ANYONE use a cellphone or social network in these movies when we don't see them? And yet they start acting like Tom's an idiot or weirdo for the choices he makes? Fork you! Especially you, Alex. You're a douchebag who's too preoccupied with your dick to be taken seriously. You're inappropriate, unprofessional and too damn smug.

Also, Violet's fellow students aren't exactly the cream of the crop either. One's obsessed with masturbation, one's a snarky bitch who we're supposed to like and the other's a nutjob with poor English, which makes me think they were trying to go for a racist stereotype just because he's Asian. Those characteristics pretty much define them from the start and all the way to the end.

Hell, I can't even remember their names, that's how I know them. Ol' Wanky, Supposed-To-Be-Sympathetic Shrew and What The Hell Is Wrong With You, Dude? Are the names I ascribe to them.

But that's not all, Tom's friend Tarquin (Brian Posehn) is basically his character Kevin from Just Shoot Me! If you took him out of the office and made him swear more. He was a creepy weirdo there (when it worked), he's a creepy weirdo now. Man, that guy is stereotyped. And I actually thought very highly of his voiceover for The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto.

Oh and anyone going for Jacki Weaver? Barely does anything. Her role is essentially “Hurry up and get married already!” ad infinitum. Not worth it.

Rhys Ifans is about the only character I can borderline respect, in that he doesn't piss me off as much as the others. But some of the crap he pulls...

4. The writing. Jason Segel co-wrote this. I was shocked to discover that. I expected better writing, especially after the magnificence of The Muppets. I mean, the guy's smart. I imagined he would have been able to pick apart romantic comedy conventions and turn them on their ear, create something different. And to its credit, the film does attempt gender-flipping the roles, with Violet being the primary breadwinner, while Tom's around the house more, and he often gets to be the more emotional one, something usually assigned to the leading female. And for a little while, it works. But after Winton (that's Rhys Ifans' character, Violet's professor) and Violet drunkenly kiss (which I totally called, by the way. That's another problem with the writing, it's telegraphed), Tom suddenly has this attitude of “I am a man and as a man, I have to beat the crap out of him!” and we're back to crap.

Again, to the film's credit, I was a little amused by Rhys Ifans' ninja-Spider-Man-like

evasion when fighting Tom (but then, it also reminded me he's going to be in a much

superior movie soon to be released), but what it culminates in as a near-tryst with a co-worker at the deli Tom works at. A co-worker who appeared all of maybe ONE time before now, and barely said anything to him (this appears to be a recurring trait, it happens again before the end of the film). With both of them drunk, she takes off his clothes and insists they have sex, and he constantly refuses (which I totally called the minute she was introduced, too. Told you it was telegraphed.) and he leaves, walking aimlessly, before sleeping in the snow overnight and ends up losing his big toe to frostbite. He wakes up in hospital, with Violet by his side, and they tearfull break up because he tells her he had sex with the co-worker, because he can't remember exactly what happened and based on the evidence, he goes with that.

…

NO! NO NO NO NO NO! You failed, movie! This was your big chance to show just how good a person Tom ultimately was, and made them realize how close they came to falling apart. But nooooo, you decided to go with this stupid act and still make him the villain. Jason, why? Why did you write yourself to be the one who is always wrong? Like with the crossbow scene, in which Violet ends up with an arrow to the knee (cue meme here, yadda yadda yadda), Alex and Suzie start screaming at him. I'm sorry, who the Hell are you two to talk about bad judgement? Yes, he shouldn't have left a LOADED crossbow on the table for a child to use, but you had a shotgun wedding, you lose all rights to complain about bad judgement you twits!

5. The big plothole. So, Tom and Violet want to put the wedding off while Violet's doing her program, presumably because of the expense and stress. So, here's my solution... why not just go through a justice of the peace initially and THEN do the big to-do after everything's settled down? That way, you can save money and do what you need to, but you'll still be married.

“But David”, you're saying “How dare you suggest couples get married quick and easy instead of having a special, wonderful day!” You'll note that I NEVER said they CAN'T. What I mean is, if you're really that devoted to each other, does it matter how it happens, so long as it's legally binding and you feel so strongly about each other that circumstance is irrelevant? You can still have a big day down the track, but I'm concerned when people think the wedding matters more than anything else. Yes, it is important and needs a lot of planning, money and time, but are you getting married because you love your partner or because you just want the wedding and you like the idea of being married? If you can have your big day as quickly as you want, that's great, more power to you. But it's not like Tom and Violet are seniors in high school who can't figure these things out.

Now, you could say it's a psychological thing, like beneath it all, they know they're not ready. I'd say, they're smart enough to figure that out and work it out sooner.

Also, since they end up fighting a lot and separating, the ending in which everyone cheers them on to get married just doesn't work. Time away from someone may give you time to reflect and think things out, but unless you actually address the problems, you're going to be doing this time and time again.

OK, so it may not be a big plothole as such, but if they sat down and talked it out, this movie would have been a lot shorter.

But combined with all the other problems, what we have is a huge amount of wasted potential. Even if Jason, Emily and Rhys are really trying, this could have been a whole lot smarter. But I got suckered in and what I got instead was a movie that filled me with so much hatred, it's very nearly the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I give it 0.5/5 and I strongly urge you all to avoid it, unless you're riffing on it. Or if you're Mathew Buck, in which case, here's yet another for Bad Movie Beatdown. Proceed with caution, Mat.