I Just Keep Fighting That Windmill

So, yeah, been a while since I updated. There's a reason for that, one I intend to discuss today.

And before I get to it, a disclaimer: anyone who wants to leave a comment about me whining or having a pity party, this is MY blog, and I'm entitled to complain. Yeah yeah, first world problems, I'm better off than some people and all that, but really, if we kept playing that card, no one could complain about anything ever.

I've talked about this before, but now it's getting worse. I work 5-6 nights a week, depending on the week. This month has been a nightmare, due to the amount of holidays (Labour Day and Easter), and that means a lot more to do.

Being at my workplace kills a lot of motivation for everything else in my life. The stream, doing this very blog, even going to the movies. Mainly because, sometimes, they feel like work. And on my nights off, which gives me a great amount of time to catch-up, my mind rebels, because of that feeling. I have so many movies to review, but sometimes, I lose the desire to actually talk about them.

At my work, I feel like I give and I give, and return, all my workplace does is take and take and ask for more. And quite frankly, I don't know how much more I can give.

So, you're asking, why not just quit? There are a multitude of reasons, but perhaps the biggest: there's nothing wrong with ME. I'M doing what I'M supposed to do. I'll be damned if I'm leaving just because I care. I'm not trying to talk myself up, but I put in a damn good effort.

What I'm getting at is, because of how much of a mental toll it's taken on me, I've become concerned with some of the thoughts I've had lately.

Going back to what I said about motivation, caring is also a factor. Sometimes, I don't know if there's enough room in my heart to care about anything else. It's like the joy has been sucked right out of me.

To quote the song “Going Through The Motions”, from the Buffy The Vampire Slayer episode “Once More With Feeling” in Season 6, nothing seems to penetrate my heart. I do pretty much the same thing, day-in, day-out. I just don't a lot of people see how much it gets to me. Or, to quote another song, Smokey Robinson and The Miracles' “The Tracks Of My Tears”:

“So take a good look at my face

You'll see my smile looks out of place

If you look closer it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears”

The concern mostly comes from the fact that, dealing with the public has also made hate humanity just that little bit more. Not humans as individuals, because a lot of the ones I know are outstanding.

When a large portion of people can't remember the basics of etiquette, how can we expect them to be mature about the concerns of society, such as allowing marriage equality for the gay community (not going to rant about that here, but long story short, stop denying that right to them!)

Due to the constant rudeness and ingratitude, it's getting to the point where I imagine inflicting pain upon people, and that's the closest feeling to joy that I experience. And really, that kind of scares me.

Using another Buffy reference, there's a scene from Season 3 I keep coming back to, in the episode Amends, in which Angel, the vampire with a soul, contemplates suicide. His line is one of the most amazing I've ever heard in any fictional story: “It's not the demon in me that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man.”

I often wonder the same thing about myself. By killing any sense of honour, any morality about myself, would I then be free of the shackles of my situation?

Or should I just remove myself from the planet altogether? Maybe I AM the demon myself.

There's a saying that everyone is the hero of their own life, their own story. But what if... what if I'm the villain? What if the people I know are really the protagonists, and I'm the dragon that needs to be smote? That would explain why I feel this way, and why the universe designated me as one of its many butt monkeys. Maybe I'm just a bad person, and I'm only just coming to terms with it now.

One of the biggest recurring themes in these past blog posts has been references to Batman, and I'm reminded of something Batman once said to his second Robin, Jason Todd, after Jason came back from the dead and became an anti-hero/villain (long story): “You're broken and I can't fix you”.

Maybe that's what it is, really. Maybe I'm just broken, and can't be fixed. Or it wouldn't be worthwhile to fix me.

I'd like to think I'm a decent person. But I spend so much time doing so much for people I don't care about, that I don't feel like I'm doing enough for the people I DO care about. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in a room that's far away from everyone else, with only a solitary window, and I see everyone I care about, but can do nothing for them. Story of my life.

So, where do I go from here? I guess I just keep going through the motions, waiting for something to give. Either me or my job. Won't be long until I'm in a padded room, I dare say.

As for the blog itself? Well, updates will probably be sporadic, mostly movie reviews to catch up on my long list. We'll have to wait and see.

To finish, another song reference, this one from Tears For Fears' “Mad World”:

“And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

That dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had”.

Thank you and sorry to depress you. Even if it's probably just two people reading. And that's being ambitious.