Tuesday 29 May 2012

Marvel's On The Right Track, Baby


I hadn't intended on doing something else about comics so soon after my thoughts on Flashpoint, but when DC announced it was reintroducing one of its characters as gay, I just had to say my piece.

Due to how much of a minefield the discussion of sexual identity is, I want to start off by saying I whole-heartedly support gay marriage, rights for the gay community and I view them as being no less human than heterosexuals. In fact, the heterosexuals that are so vehemently opposed to gay people in general are the ones that are sub-human.

However, what concerns me is the fact that DC felt the need to announce that one of their characters in the relaunch was now gay. I don't care which character it turns out to be, but DC, was it really necessary to make a big announcement out of it? Like “Attention everyone! We have gays in the universe! Come one, come all! We actually have a gay character!” Did it ever occur to you to actually, y'know, write the character without worrying about their sexual preference and just let the details shine through the work?

By doing this, you're basically saying “The first thing you need to know about this character in our relaunch is that they're gay”. Why is that important? Are we supposed to be impressed? Did you forget you've HAD gay characters before (I say had because, besides Batwoman, have any of them returned in the relaunch?) like Obsidian, Damon Matthews, Pied Piper (OK, he actually has returned in the relaunch and maintains his character traits from post-relaunch, so that I applaud), Renee Montoya? Or, y'know, two of your main characters in The Authority, Apollo and Midnighter?
Granted, not many of those characters (if any) are known to the public at large but they've been part of DC for years. Hell, Montoya was the goddamn Question for a time. And her being a lesbian isn't one of the first things I'd use to describe her. Any number of these descriptors would be among the first: ex-cop, cynic, bitter, chain-smoker, determined, snarky, etc. And most of this is based on 52, especially in the first two volumes and a little of the third (also, I highly recommend reading all four, even if their canocity is in question. I don't care if I've recommended them before, I'll do it again. They are brilliant).

Point being, gay characters in DC is nothing new. So, why is this being treated like it's an event? Are you trying to boost sales this way? I'm surprised you haven't spun John Stewart off into his own book and gone “Look! We have an African-American superhero! We're so progressive!” And, much like Montoya, John is much more than that. He's stoic, intelligent, compassionate, a leader... and he also killed my fave Green Lantern (yeah, spoiler alert). Yeah, I know the circumstances behind it and I don't blame the writing, but damn it, Mogo's gone! Sniff

Or Ryan Choi, the successor to the Atom. He's an Asian superhero, though he had his own book, The All-New Atom. I read the first trade of that and I thought it was pretty cool. But his heritage isn't how I think of him. I think of him as curious, brilliant, noble, but most importantly, fun-loving. A superhero who loves this gig? Yes! We need more of those! It's OK to take your work seriously but lighthearted superheroes are great too! Look at Plastic Man or Wally West (also, DC, another thing: Bring. Wally. Back. NOW).
Oh but what did DC go and do, post-relaunch? (Spoiler alert), they killed him. *Facepalms* What the Hell?! Yes, I know he's alive again now (hey look, a positive from the relaunch!) but he never should have died in the first place.

I could go on all day listing various “minorities” (I put that in air quotes because what exactly is a minority these days? I mean, in media, it makes more sense. Like the fact that you barely see any African-Americans throughout the entire run of Friends, but in our world, is that still the term we use?), but the point is, if the writing is strong, your character doesn't need to fall back on things that don't matter in the long run.

Look at what Marvel's doing with one of its long time characters, and most prominent homosexual character, Northstar (for the record, his sexuality isn't the first thing I identify about him, it's the fact that he's a member of the Canadian superhero team, Alpha Flight or that he's a mutant ): he's getting married to his boyfriend, Kyle, which Marvel is making a big deal out of. Now, while people at this point are saying “So, what DC is doing is a cynical sales boost but this is OK?”, I'd like to point out that yes, this is OK, because marriages are often big deals in comics, regardless of gender. Superman and Lois Lane, Cyclops and Jean Grey, Green Arrow and Black Canary, Spider-Man and Mary Jane Watson, just to name a few. But this is also Marvel showing support of gay marriage, and for one of its long time “B-list” superheros who hasn't been seen in much outside media. I don't know if many newsagents down here will be getting the issue, but if they do, I will be buying it, because I support what they're doing (for anyone interested, it's Astonishing X-Men #51).
But Northstar's not the only gay character in Marvel's canon. Others are fellow mutants such as Phat, Karma, Vivisector, Bloke and Destiny. And some non-mutant gay characters include Hulkling and Wiccan from the Young Avengers. The latter two are characters I actually know a little about and again, their sexuality is not their defining trait.

I'm sure I've lost a few people on the way, so to sum up: DC is making a big deal out of a character's sexuality now being different and expecting it to be some big revelation, like it's going to play into how he's written.
Marvel is letting one of it's lesser known but still well loved characters marry the love of his life and treating it with the respect it deserves.

Marvel- 1, DC- O.

Saturday 26 May 2012

Happy Happy Joy Joy


A little while ago, I did a blog on some of the little things in life that pissed me off. Not really sure it went over so well but I can't help what grinds my gears.
To that end, though, I considered a sequel blog soon after, though movie reviews got in the way. But, with nothing at the cinema worth seeing until Prometheus, that gives me a chance to go through the 2012 releases I have on DVD. However, I'll save those for upcoming blogs, so that I can study them and take notes. In the meantime, I thought I'd finally get around to doing the aforementioned sequel, though this time it would be about ten little things in life that I like.

Much like the first blog, I'll try and avoid talking about people in general (though since I made mention of a group in the first blog, I'll make one exception in this blog to make it fair). That's not to say there aren't people in my life that bring me joy, that'd be silly. To be perfectly frank, as someone who has made the decision not to have children, if someone were to ask me what would make me change my mind, my number one response is “If you can guarantee me that any kids I have will turn out like my niece and nephew, I'd think about it” because I love those kids with all my heart.

But now, let's get to ten of the little things in life that I get great comfort from.

  1. Lateral thinking puzzles.
Despite not having laid my eyes upon a book of lateral thinking puzzles in years, I've always been a huge fan of the collections of puzzles. Ones like “In an open field, there's an unconscious man without a parachute and a rock, and nothing else. What has happened here?” (The answer is the man is Superman, and the rock is Kryptonite). I may not be the smartest man around... or very smart in general... I'm sure I had a point somewhere. Anyway, my lack of smarts not withstanding, I love out-of-the-box challenges like that, or complex riddles.

  1. TvTropes.org.
Check it out here: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HomePage I can literally spend hours on that site, getting lost in the website jungle that is TvTropes. Whether it be the Crowning Moment pages, like the Funny Moments or Heartwarming Moments, or the various examples of Executive Meddling, the site has taught me so much, or given me the names of things I was noticing as a kid (one of the most common I encountered is the trope known as I Narrowed It Down To The Guy I Recognized, which is when you're watching a police procedural show like Law And Order and it has a famous guest star, they're usually the bad guy). It's an addiction that I can't give up.

  1. Finding out the names of songs.
I need to explain this one a little bit. You ever hear a song on the radio a whole bunch of times but you can never get a handle on the lyrics or you don't have a pen to write them down? Doesn't help when the DJ's don't always announce the songs too, right? Well, when I DO find out the song and who sings it, I always feel overjoyed when I find out it's an artist I know and it's like “Wait, that was you?! How did I not pick up on that before?!” Case in point for a recent song: Top Of The World by The Carpenters, as I mentioned in my Dark Shadows review. It makes me so obsessive that I have to find it.

  1. TV theme tunes.
Sometimes when I'm frustrated, I just play some of my fave theme tunes from great TV shows in my head to calm myself down again. The Teen Titans theme, the Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme, Animaniacs, Darkwing Duck (more addictive than the DuckTales theme song, easily), Firefly, American Dad!, Red Vs Blue (OK, that's a web show but where else can I put it? On the subject of web shows, the theme song for Atop The Fourth Wall, I LOVE that theme) and Daria. Even ones I don't know all the words to, I'll play the theme in my head, like the one for Weeds. If my happy place had a soundtrack, these themes would make up the whole list. Speaking of songs...

  1. Weird Al Yankovic
If there's one set of songs that provide a calming influence more-so than TV theme tunes, it's the musical stylings of Weird Al. The Prince Of Parody. A lyrical genius without peer, who keeps things family friendly (for the most part, Jerry Springer and The Night Santa Went Crazy are both adult and dark respectively.) and has provided us with timeless classics like Amish Paradise, Ebay, Like A Surgeon, Phony Calls, Yoda and I Lost On Jeopardy. But even his non-parodies are hilarious too, like the aforementioned Christmas song, Albuquerque, Do I Creep You Out, Since You've Been Gone and Everything You Know Is Wrong. Wonderfully weird tales involving boxes of rabid weasels, disembodied heads of owners of fried chicken establishments and the National Guard dealing with Santa. YouTube anything of his. NOW. Or, see his movie, UHF. Or all of the above. Do that.

  1. Driving home on a Sunday morning.
Working overnight, six nights a week, most of the time I don't have the time to just take a slow, leisurely drive home and marvel at the wonders of nature. Sunday, however, with the roads virtually quiet, it's really nice to see the sun on the horizon (when the weather allows) but even overcast days look lovely. It's also nice not having to compete with every other jerk-off on the road, with a lot of them playing a game called “Outta My Way, I Have A Car!” Really wish more days could be like that.

  1. Second-hand book/DVD shops.
So, yeah, we all know by now DVD's are big with me. And while I'll still go buy brand new DVD's at local retailers, I love the quaint, homey feel of a nice second-hand store, ones with real character. And in some, I've been able to find rare or just hard to find items, like Videodrome or The Lovely Bones (the book, before the movie came out and then suddenly everyone jumped on the bandwagon ).

  1. Webcomics.
OK, that's not so little, but I love going on archive binges (thank you TvTropes) and reading many strips from particularly good webcomics. While I've still got to start reading ones like Shortpacked! (www.shortpacked.com), I recommend stuff like Home On The Strange (http://www.homeonthestrange.com/), The Devil's Panties (http://thedevilspanties.com/), Cyanide And Happiness (http://www.explosm.net/), Menage a Trois (www.menagea3.net/), Something Positive (http://www.somethingpositive.net/), Questionable Content (http://www.questionablecontent.net/) and the one I'm currently reading, Thinkin' Lincoln (http://www.thinkin-lincoln.com/).

  1. Word games on FaceBook.
I used to play stuff like CityVille or Zombie Lane on FB, but I've found that some of the best games are the ones that don't require you constantly asking people for stuff or the ones that you can (usually) finish in one sitting. Word Search, Word Joust and Words With Friends are my fave games on the site, though I still love the UNO game. Granted, Words With Friends can be pretty restrictive with what words you can use but hey, it's not like I can play with the person sitting next to me. Though speaking of those types of games...

  1. Board games.
I don't get the chance to play them anymore, mostly because I have no board games or other people to play the game with, but I get a kick out of getting people together, playing a game, having a laugh and feeling like part of a group. Cluedo, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit, Scene It?, Chess, Battleship (not the redone one for the movie, that's an idea so stupid I'm surprised whoever came up with it wasn't buried alive, along with the people who suggested the movie), The Game Of Life, Scrabble, Scattergories and my all time personal fave, Risk.
Also, on the subject, card games like Hearts, UNO, Skip-Bo, Tanks, Solitaire and Pyramid. Love'em.

Well, those are a few of my favourite things in life, just the little details that perk up my spirits. What are some of yours?

Tuesday 22 May 2012

Silent Hill: Edwardian Era Style


Another day, another new release to bring me ever so closer to my goal of fifty movies for the year.
Today, it's a review for the latest Hammer production, The Woman In Black, based on the book of the same name (another one I need to read).

Widowed father Arthur Kipps (Daniel Radcliffe) works with a law firm that has given him the task of handling the estate of Alice Drablow. Upon reaching her house on an island in the marshes, strange things happen to the children in the nearby town. The more he stays at the house, the more obsessed he becomes to stop the madness.

This review will probably be shorter than most (good news for all of you) as there's not much to say for character development, since for the majority of the film, Arthur is on his own. And on that note, let's start with Daniel's portrayal.
Now, while this is not a flaw of the film itself, the problem Daniel is going to have in his career is shaking off the Harry Potter persona, no mean feat since that's eight films over a decade we're talking here. While Emma Watson has been somewhat on the down-low (though I know she's in My Week With Marilyn, which I will probably buy first week of release on DVD), Rupert Grint's been in a few movies before finishing the Harry Potter series, which might be enough for him to distance himself a little from the Ron Weasley character (especially if you've seen Cherrybomb, though I very much recommend Wild Target, but either film is enjoyable).

Now, while I freakin' love the Harry Potter franchise, this is arguably going to be the first non-Harry Potter film people will think of when Daniel Radcliffe is brought up and you'd be hoping the comparisons will be minimal at worst, non-existent at best. And with the combination of how the film is shot and Daniel's acting, are there comparisons to make? Well... yes, but not really from Daniel's acting and it's not very often. Though, like most people, I am guilty of making a joke or two about Harry Potter (like whenever the woman in black is close by, you could joke that Arthur should just say “EXPECTO PATRONUM!” and that would be the end of it) and the person I saw the movie with certainly made her fair share of jokes. I wouldn't say the film is trying to milk the fact that he was Harry Potter for all its worth but I won't say they weren't trying on some level.

As for Daniel himself, he handles himself really well. Despite how strained Arthur's relationship with his son is, he's still very emotional and protective with children, which serves to make him likeable, not that he's a bastard if you take those traits away. By and large, he IS able to shake off the Harry Potter character, it's just that the fact that there are ghosts and a mystery to solve makes it hard NOT to think of Potter. Nevertheless, I was satisfied with his performance and I hope to see more from him.

That's not to say there isn't another performance I won't give credit to. Ciaran Hinds completely makes up for his lackluster performance in Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance as Sam Daily, a local landowner who serves as exposition for some aspects of the film. He's sympathetic and believable and even though he doesn't believe in the supernatural, he doesn't get angry (well, maybe once) when confronted with the possibility, thus showing he is rational and open-minded.

Nothing much to say about the other characters, most are passable. Nobody else really gets a lot of development, so I can't really comment.

What I can comment on, and praise, is the atmosphere. The film is bleak and drab, possibly to emphasize how depressing the world is without the sound of children laughing and playing; the house where the titular woman is seen most is shrouded in darkness, which the movie takes good advantage of (more on that later) and my absolute fave scene involves Arthur in the fog, hearing noises and wandering around aimlessly, trying to locate the source of the noises. Also, the shots of the drive to and from the island where the home was built? Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful, special credit for the director/camera people/location scouters/however many people were involved with those shots.

On a different note of the atmosphere, one of the most important things for any horror movie not to screw up is how they employ the jump scare tactic. Some movies will screw it up by playing music right before the big scare, with the music getting louder and/or faster, only for it to be a cat or something stupid. But that's the other big aspect I praise this movie for: it understands how to do a jump scare properly. Most scenes play with no music at all, everything's still and silent then BAM! Musical chord and something jumps out. Now THAT'S a jump scare. Granted, I could predict at least half of them because of the long periods of silence but the film made up for it by actually having some gruesome imagery, like a boy covered in mud appearing from out of nowhere, or the woman in black herself. Although, you may notice on occasion that she'll breeze by a mirror, thus setting something up (is that a spoiler? I mean, I noticed it without help, but not everybody's going to notice the exact same things...)

So, a short review but at a little over 90 minutes, with one main character and a lot of silent scenes and wandering around, there isn't much more to say. Well, except that a sequel is already being planned, with the title The Woman In Black: Angels Of Death. I'm glad that the film is doing so well, since it means Hammer is back and here to stay (I certainly hope so, I've enjoyed every Hammer film I've seen so far, especially the Dracula ones). Granted, they had made their comeback years ago but this might be their biggest success since coming back (or Let Me In, which I think is great. When this comes out on DVD, grab this and Let Me In and make a night of it). 3.5/5

Sunday 20 May 2012

Or Sinestro Corps War, Adapt That One Too


As someone who loves both comic books and movies, the combination of the two is something I always look forward to (unless it involves the Punisher, in which case, it's like taking ice cream and spitting on it repeatedly. Unless it's being handled by Marvel Studios itself, which, as of typing, they actually do have the rights back and are attempting a new film. In that case, I remain cautious but I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt for the time being).

Over the past few years, DC and Marvel have been releasing straight to DVD films and I very eagerly await every one (well, the DC ones mostly, in part due to Marvel ceasing production of any such DVD's and because the DC ones have always been of higher quality), regardless of whether or not I know the characters or the story. Even if I'm in the dark on the story being adapted (case in point, the upcoming Superman Vs. The Elite, an adaptation of the story in Action Comics #775 “What's So Funny About Truth, Justice And The American Way?”), the productions always manage to score some top talent, create uniquely animated and amazing worlds and often, cast members from the brilliant Justice League/Justice League Unlimited series will “reprise” their roles (I use quotation marks because while they are voicing characters they've had previous experience with, it's not set in the same universe. Comic book movies are weird).

With the exception of the DC Shorts Showcase, which has not seen release down here (at least not that I'm aware of), I own each movie from the DC Universe Animated Original line and not a single one has been short of great. I'll go into detail about the others down the line, with Justice League: Doom getting a post sometime in the next week or two since it was released this year, but I wanted to talk about the revelation of an upcoming project.

After The Dark Knight Returns is released towards the end of the year (split into two films, if Wikipedia's information is correct. Word has not been confirmed whether or not they'll both be released in a pack, on the same day or months apart) it has been said by Kevin Conroy (one of the best known Batman voices ever, if not the definitive voice actor for Batman) that one of the upcoming films is the universe altering story Flashpoint aka “the story that began the DC reboot”.

I haven't read the story, so I can't go into a deep analysis of it, but I can give you this brief overview of the miniseries: the timeline in the main DC universe has been altered, with Barry Allen (the Flash) being one of the few who remembers what it used to be like. He attempts to restore things the way they were and (spoiler alert!) causes a merging of the separate imprints of DC to come together and form one universe, in which there are several changes but is supposedly the same universe we've been reading for years.

I will say this for the record: Kevin could just be throwing us off the scent with what the next project really is, and in that case, I'm getting perplexed for nothing. And I will also say that despite my feelings about the reboot (to be somewhat covered in a future blog), I will still watch the Flashpoint film if it comes to pass and I will try and enjoy it for what it is. But three things bug me about this particular choice:

  • Flashpoint is too recent a story to be adapted so soon. I have to figure that the DC higher-ups wanted to push this reboot angle as far as they could take it but seeing as how none of the previous films are connected to each other (with the possible exception of the Superman/Batman team up films, though I'm not 100% sure due to the different animation styles for each film), it's not like Flashpoint has anything to shake up. Granted, Batman: Under The Red Hood isn't exactly something from long ago nor is it the first story I would think of when choosing a classic Batman story, but at least it has been around for a few years, long enough for the effects in the comics to be felt and dealt with. We still don't know what the ramifications of the reboot are. I mean, it hasn't even been a year yet has it?
  • The story's not exactly a fan favourite. Because it's the catalyst for the reboot, it's not exactly going to be a crowd pleaser. And I'm guessing most of the fanbase for these films are those who have more than casual knowledge of the DC universe. And if DC lost anyone with the announcement of the reboot, they stand to lose more if Flashpoint leads to more of the newer stories being the basis for the new films (though I wouldn't object if they chose to adapt The Court Of Owls storyline, mostly because despite the reboot's widespread effect, Batman's history has remained relatively retcon-free so any stories for him now are business as usual).
    Besides, if they wanted a big storyline that was recent but better received, two words: Blackest Night. Though I've been clamouring for that one for sometime, even though I haven't read the story yet. At least that one's slightly older than Flashpoint and again, we know what came out of it and where DC was heading.
  • The biggest reason, and I'm sure I'm not alone when I say this, is that with every film announced that isn't The Killing Joke, we lose yet another chance for Mark Hamill's legendary Joker voice to be heard. As much as I love his role as Luke Skywalker, the Joker will always be the greatest role of Mark's, in my very humble opinion. Even with Heath Ledger's juggernaut of a performance in The Dark Knight, Mark has never lost his position as the King Of The Clown Prince Of Crime actors. And with Mark reprising his role for the insanely awesome Arkham video games, that just made great games even more desirable. But there's always talk that he's retiring from the role, or about to retire, and it reminds us that he won't be the Ace Of Knaves forever. One day, he will hang up his seltzer bottle for good. And as much as he needs to be thanked for his loyal “tears of service” (to comic fans, you're welcome), it would be remiss if we didn't get him back one more time for what is considered the ultimate Joker story.
    If you're just getting into comics, The Killing Joke is an excellent pick as one of the first you should read. You need no prior knowledge of the characters, it's a character study with brilliant musings on the human condition, the art is gorgeous and adds new dimensions to the Joker and it even makes the Harlequin Of Hate a little sympathetic! Yes, you read that right!
    I will do a proper review for the story one day but suffice it to say, it is not only one of the best Batman comics, it's one of the best comics, period. Which is exactly why it needs to be adapted.
    So, I'm hoping that one day, it will be adapted. If Mark really is going to stop voicing the Joker, or if he has declared that he has, we need this one last shot. Let him go out with a bang. And while this may seem... tactless, for lack of a better word, if a successor has not been chosen for future work involving the Joker, my vote goes to John DiMaggio, after the magnificent job he did for Batman: Under The Red Hood. If John does The Killing Joke, I'm not going to be too upset. He's a damn good Joker, not quite at the level of Mark, but Mark's been doing it for so long now that he's nearly made the character his own. Both men are outstanding at getting to the root of the character. But DC/Warner/whoever picks these things, please, consider making The Killing Joke one of the next DVD's, and let Mark deliver one last showstopper.

I do reiterate that I am not slamming a release of Flashpoint on DVD, just that I am confused to why this story was selected amongst many others. Stories like Knightfall, Salvation Run, The Judas Contract, even Identity Crisis could just have easily been picked, much like The Killing Joke could have been. But there hasn't been a crap DC Universe Animated Original yet, so I have faith that whatever they make will be a great film.

Saturday 19 May 2012

Why Can't Neighbours Have A Vampire?


As promised, time for my review of the latest Burton/Depp collaboration, Dark Shadows, based on the soap opera of the same name.

In the 1700's, Barnabas Collins (Depp) rejects the affections of one of his servants, Angelique (Eva Green), which leads to her cursing his family and transforming him into a vampire, then having him buried in a coffin and chained up. He awakens in 1972 and sets about trying to bring his descendants restore glory to the family name.

Despite being the leading character and the obvious drawcard for this movie (besides the fact that Tim Burton's the director), Depp is part of a big ensemble here, so I want to say a little bit about each actor and how they go (I should also state at this point I have seen nothing of the original show so any evaluations will be based on their own merits).

Michelle Pfeiffer plays family matriarch Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, a woman trying to keep the family's fishing business afloat (no pun intended) while raising her daughter and keeping the family from falling to pieces in the wake of the various disasters that have befallen them all.
Really, Michelle's been a class act ever since she entered the profession and she's no exception here.

Elizabeth's daughter is Carolyn, as played by Chloe Grace Moretz, and she's a smart-mouthed, rebellious teen who's in to the music of the day. Chloe's a hoot and often gets some of the funnier moments of the movie. She's going from strength to strength and she may be the turning point as to whether or not the new Carrie adaptation will be worth seeing (so far, I'm waiting on more info, but the fact that she's Carrie already gives the production something to brag about in my opinion).

Jonny Lee Miller plays Roger Collins, the alcoholic, good for nothing brother to Elizabeth. Basically, the first sniff of money and he's already wanting to splurge on fancy crap. The character's an arsehole and a bad father, but props to Jonny Lee for playing him that way.

Gulliver McGrath plays David Collins, Roger's son, an eccentric little boy who is having trouble processing the death of his mother. I couldn't really gravitate towards his character but I didn't hate him either. Overall, not badly done.

Helena Bonham Carter plays the live-in psychiatrist for David, Dr. Julia Hoffman. A chronic alcoholic, seemingly disinterested in everything until she discovers Barnabus' true nature. Much like Michelle, Helena is in a league of her own and she doesn't slip up here. One of my fave characters in the movie, actually.

Jackie Earle Haley plays Willie Loomis, the boozy caretaker for the family home. Despite all the talent on hand, from actors and actresses I've seen more films of, I declare his performance to be the best, he's easily the ensemble darkhorse. Nearly everything he says or does is hilarious and Jackie deserves a heap of praise.

Bella Heathcote plays Victoria Winters, governess to David and the love interest of the film. She handles herself quite well amongst the veteran players and I'm interested to see where her career takes her next (as opposed to where it was before, on local soap Neighbours. Years ago, that might have been something to put on your resume. Nowadays...)

And the last member of the Collins household, Ray Shirley as Mrs. Johnson, the family maid. I don't recall her saying a single word, her role being physical comedy based on advanced age. Nothing more to say, really.

Oh, but what of Barnabas himself? Depp is as he always is, always disappearing into a character and making them memorable, and this is no exception. A lot of the comedy relies on him not quite understanding modern concepts (like thinking a psychiatrist is something you eat) and being a fish out of temporal water. And for the most part, it works. Burton always gets greatness from Depp (not that Depp can't be great without him), so you're always in for a good time when these two get together.

Oh, one more performance to remark on: Eva Green as the antagonist, Angelique, who has survived for over 200 years and is determined to make life Hell for the remaining Collins'. Yeah, she's awesome. That saying, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Her. Totally her. Only other role I've seen Eva Green in is Casino Royale (awesome movie, by the way) but I loved her role in this. The right blend of bitchy yet seductive, and even with a trace of sympathy.

But how do the other aspects stack up? Well, one of the biggest pros of this movie: the music. I LOVE the music selected. T-Rex's Bang A Gong, Black Sabbath's Paranoid, The Moody Blues' Nights In White Satin, even some Alice Cooper. But the one that tops them all, in a big upset: Top Of The World by The Carpenters. I have had this song stuck in my head ever since I saw this movie and I had no idea it was their song until I looked it up. A fantastic piece of pop, may even be my new fave of theirs, tying with Can't Smile Without You. Also, the song is the one responsible for that joke in the trailer, the “Reveal yourself, tiny songstress!” line and also (though rather unfortunately) my fave joke of the whole movie.

However, the film has a couple of flaws. Since this could be heading into spoiler territory, I'll keep it brief: the ending is a little too neat in one regard, kind of explaining a few elements we heard at the start but did not think more of, and introduces something out of nowhere. It's almost a little too convenient.

But the film's biggest flaw, sadly, is the inconsistency in tone. Whereas previous Burton films have struck the right balance between dark humor and light moments, this film attempts to do the same but it doesn't go over so well. A film like Beetlejuice works because the film IS dark humor, with enough bizarre elements to add to the atmosphere. But this film's primary humor derives from the aforementioned fish out of temporal water type, dealing with someone who is out of their time and mistakes a McDonalds sign for Mephistopheles (which I found funny) and isn't used to how the world works now.
But then it tries to be dark, mostly when Barnabas' vampiric nature comes into play and he has to kill people for sustenance. Then it's right back to the light stuff. Uh... yeah, that just doesn't work. The movie goes on both ends of the spectrum, but too far, as opposed to trying to balance. Even Sweeney Todd, which was a musical, pulled it off.

Still, those flaws aren't enough to spoil the movie and I recommend it, with a rating of 3.5/5. It's not up in the ranks like Ed Wood or Corpse Bride, but there hasn't been a bad Burton/Depp collaboration before and I reckon there never will be.

Thursday 17 May 2012

Or, Borat If He Had Power


Fresh from the latest cinema trip, let's take a look at the latest Sacha Baron Cohen vehicle, The Dictator (not sure if I mentioned it in a previous blog but my Dark Shadows post will be after this one)

Admiral General Albadeen (Cohen), supreme leader of Wadiya, travels to the UN headquarters in New York to address the proposed intervention of outside forces hoping to uncover proof that he has nuclear weapons. His uncle, Tamir (Ben Kingsley) uses this as means of getting him out of the way and having democracy installed in Wadiya so that he is free to sell the country's oil reserves. Desperate to reclaim his power, he is offered a job by an activist named Zoey (Anna Faris) and intends to use that to sneak his way back into his position. 

(From here on out, there will be minor spoilers).

Of the four films in which Sacha has been the lead actor, this is the one that I enjoyed the most. While Ali G Indahouse didn't kick off the fake-documentary style shared by Borat and Bruno, this film's uniqueness comes from the fact that this is the first leading role for Sacha that isn't based off a character from Da Ali G Show, though Albadeen does have traits of both Borat (cultural misunderstandings, disrespect of women and Jewish people) and Bruno (more obsessed with pop culture than what he's actually supposed to be doing, arrogance).

And to be honest, I actually enjoyed this more than the other films. Not that any of them are bad, but I think this one works because Sacha has to rely on a supporting cast, since it's not in the fake-documentary style mentioned above and the fact that while it was great for Borat, it was uneven for Bruno and the more often you do it, the quicker people catch on (which is why some if not all of his previous characters have been retired).

Sacha himself is pretty how much how you would expect: able to dominate the screen with a few words or gestures and has great comedic timing. If there's one character-type Sacha knows how to do well, it's the foreigner-who-doesn't-understand-how-he's-offending-people character and being a dictator concerned with petty things like whether or not the top of a missile is pointy or round certainly would not know how to talk to people in a civilised manner. There is something off about this character though, but I'll get to that in a bit.

The biggest surprise here is the casting of Anna Faris. Usually known for playing ditzes (the Scary Movie series), idiots (Lost In Translation) or ditzy idiots (probably The House Bunny, I don't know, I haven't seen it, but based on the plot, I'm guessing so and for that, The House Bunny can piss off to Hell), she's actually playing someone who's competent and smart. Hell, she's even the straight man here to Sacha's character! Granted, 99% percent of the remaining cast are the straight man in comparison to Sacha, but hers is the other character the movie focus' on as she struggles to maintain her store. Also, despite having black hair in the first two Scary Movies and May, she's nearly unrecognizable due to her hair style. If it weren't for those eyes, I wouldn't have picked it up straight away, since I walked in not knowing who else was in the movie. Despite the fact that May is one of my top 100 films, this may be her best role to date, due to the character's general good nature and for lack of stupidity.

There's not much to say about the other supporting characters, not that any of them are bad. Ben Kingsley adds yet another villain role to his resume but it has to be more dignified than The Love Guru, and he's pretty good.
Jason Mantzoukas pulls off some of the funniest scenes of the movie, like when he's asking Albadeen if the “educational films” he's seen about bombs involves Daffy Duck. Though there's something about him that I'll get to later too...
Lastly, for all ten minutes he's on screen for, John C. Reilly is pretty funny as an easily crestfallen assassin and his big scene is one of the highlights, with the banter between him and Sacha very witty. It involves torture implements and how unimpressed Albadeen is, since they're so primitive compared to what he's seen.

If the movie has any problems, it's with the character development of Albadeen. Being a comedy, and with him being a villain protagonist, he naturally has to change for the better. So, he starts mellowing out, starts dating Zoey, and it's just too quick for it to be believable. I mean, he's stranded in New York for a few days but suddenly, he's treating this one woman with care and respect? Earlier in the movie, he's having sex with Megan Fox, takes a Polaroid and puts it on a wall amongst hundreds of others, like it's a trophy wall. While this scene does hint that he doesn't just want random flings, that doesn't change the fact that he's largely prejudiced towards women and other religions. These things don't take days to change, so I'm a little put off by this “hey presto chango!” mentality the movie radiates.

Also Jason's character, Nadal. Now, the character is very funny and serves as the secondary straight man, for the scenes in which Albadeen is trying to get back into power. In Wadiya, Nadal was the head of the team working on the nuclear weapons, until he was “executed” (in reality, anyone sent for execution is actually sent to America as part of the resistance group) and he's actually enjoying his new life in America, to a point. He agrees to get Albadeen back into power if he can have his old job back. I took that as a sign that wasn't exactly satisfied with his work. Fine, fair enough. But the lengths he goes to, his obsession with it, he almost becomes a villain, especially when he talks about not wanting Wadiya to become a democracy. Not sure if the movie was meant to say he didn't want it because the country's oil reserves would be drained dry or because he actually believes in some of the policies Albadeen enforces.

Despite all that, the movie is enjoyable, with great satire at the expense of the American government and Sacha's considerable talent. Also, I have to say, I liked what they did for the music. They take well known songs like Everybody Hurts but translate the words into another language. It worked for me, and it was fun guessing which song they were using. 3.5/5

Monday 14 May 2012

Say Hi To Your Mum For Me

While Mother's Day happened yesterday over here, since a few in my handful of readers (is five/six a handful?) live overseas, it's Mother's Day for them as I write this, so it can apply to them.

Really, what can I say about what our mothers do for us? If you're lucky, you've been raised by someone who has genuinely wanted to see you develop into your own person, imparting life lessons along the way and has shown saint-like patience with you through your formative years.

Well, I am one of the lucky ones, since I have two mothers in my life. One who I don't see as often as I should and one I live with while I build up a decent amount of savings to give living on my own another try (not to diminish how much of a good mother she is or anything). But then, when you sit and think about it, aren't all the good women in your life motherly towards you in their own way? Co-workers who impart their wisdom to help you get by in  your job and help you evolve to the next level in said job. Teachers who offer a sympathetic ear when you have no one else to turn to about new and scary concepts in your life, teachers who won't judge and make you feel safe. Aunts who see you as their own offspring, since the connection's not too far off.

While your mother and father, father/father, mother/mother or a solo parent are naturally going to be among the first people you turn to, you can't deny that it takes a collective to provide you with everything you're going to need in life. Your mother can't follow you to work, just like your teacher can't come and live with you.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, while I obviously have two mothers who love and care about me (and even though it's not Father's Day, I'd be remiss in mentioning my father and my mother's boyfriend, both of whom play very important parts in my life), I have more people to thank for me being here. Not here as in "on this Earth" per se, as in, where I am today. I've been taught many things over my life, and I have a Hell of a lot more to go, but I really just want to say, to every loving mother out there: what you do for your children, everything you teach, every sacrifice you make, all the love you give, you cannot be thanked enough for your efforts. But I thank you all, because a parent's love is sometimes all it takes to prevent someone from going down to a deep, dark place. No matter how many times they argue back, no matter how they may defy you in the teenage years, you have stuck by them. Or, you will, if they haven't reached that age yet.

Being a parent is something I could never be, for many reasons, so I can't know what it's like to bring a child up in this world. But to those loving mothers, you are to be commended for doing what I imagine is the hardest thing in the world to do.

So, enjoy this day, even though a day seems paltry compared to what you do over the course of a lifetime.


Thursday 10 May 2012

Can We Put This Wedding On Hold Indefinitely


Yep, time for another rant. This time, the rant is in the form of a movie review, the latest movie I saw on the big screen, The Five Year Engagement.

So, you can probably tell where this review is going, and the rating at the end, but I'm going to tell you the plot anyway to humor you (hey, somebody has to bring the humor here). And as surprising as this may be, there are spoilers.

Tom (Jason Segel) proposes to his girlfriend of one year, Violet (Emily Blunt) but find their plans are put on hold when Violet gets accepted into a post-doctorate psychology program at the University of Michigan and Tom willingly gives up a prime career to move to Michigan with Violet as she undergoes the program. As time passes, Tom and Violet keep putting the wedding off and drifting apart as a result.

I'm going to come right out and say it: I hate this movie. Absolutely hate it. And I did go see this willingly. No one needed to drag me along (which would be bizarre since I went alone), I actually went into the cinema thinking “Jason Segel and Emily Blunt together sounds like a great pairing! And it's a modern rom-com without Kate Hudson in sight, so maybe it'll be a smart one for a change!” But no, it was just as idiotic as most other films in the genre. And I'm an idiot for going along and seeing it.

I'm going to conduct this review a little differently and go over the five key things that this movie did that made it the worst thing I've seen this year, in no particular order of how bad each aspect is.

  1. The swearing. I've seen Judd Apatow productions before, so it's not like I didn't expect some cursing, but it's off-putting to hear it used so frequently and so casually. Now, I don't like using curse words on this blog, since I want this to be more accessible and I know some people are put off by it, so what I'll do is use the word “fork” in place of the F-word. Now, this is an example of the types of sentences this movie would often indulge in:
    “Morning sweetie, how the fork did you sleep?”
    “Forking slept like a mother-forker, thank you, honey”
    “Did you want some forking pancakes for breakfast this morning?”
    OK, that might be a slight exaggeration but the point is, along with the tone, they are way too casual with the swearing. And more than once, characters would be swearing in front of children. Far be it from me to comment on raising children (especially since I've made the decision not to have children) and whatnot but I get the feeling Violet's sister, Suzie (Alison Brie), who has children, would be the kind of parent who wonders where her kids pick up bad language from without realizing how much she and her circle of friends and family swear.
    Also, pretty sure I heard the little girl talk about something that was meant to be kept between two adults. I hate that trope, the whole “Kids speak about adult things with innocence” schtick. It's not cute. And, while unrelated, getting old people to swear and use modern slang a lot, too. Not in this movie but it goes hand in hand. Yeah, stop doing those things.
  2. The ending. I don't think I'm spoiling anything when I say they get married (whoa, big shock there!) but before that, there is a period in which they break up and get into other relationships for a time before getting back together (more on that later). It may have been done in a lot of other romantic comedies but I couldn't help thinking about Going The Distance, itself a mediocre film. They break up, reunite after sometime and try and pick up where they left off. And I kept thinking about Going The Distance as this movie dragged on. Except that Going The Distance was mercifully shorter and ended soon after the reunion.
          The Five Year Engagement goes about 20-30 minutes longer than that and at two hours, that's    stretching things a bit.
But it's the very end itself that is also frustrating, because it involves a surprise wedding in the park, after Violet proposes to Tom the second time around. Now, while I will admit it's clever and a little cute, since Violet and the supporting characters have given Tom several on the spot options for things like the wedding music and the choice of minister, my problem is that virtually every supporting character appears at this impromteu (to a point) wedding, despite the fact that at this point, Tom moved back to San Francisco and Violet came back for him. So, you're telling me almost every person you knew in Michigan was able to get down there quick smart for a wedding? What, they didn't have jobs or other engagements (no pun intended)? Not everybody you invite can make it to a wedding, you know. And by all of them turning up, that means they support your actions. But what if they don't agree with your relationship and think it's a bad idea? That'd be awkward.

  1. The supporting characters. Which is a funny word to use, since they do little to no actual supporting. At best, the characters are one note. At worst, they are irritating, hypocritical, one joke stretched out to make a person or all of the above. The worst two offenders are Tom's best friend, Alex (Chris Pratt) and Suzie. Early on, they have a one night stand in which Suzie gets pregnant. When she discloses this to Violet, she's concerned for her future. Jump cut to Alex and Suzie's shotgun wedding. And I call it that because what else could it be? They had no build up in their “relationship”, they had drunken sex one night and all of a sudden, they're in love and married? I call shenanigans on that. People say two gay people would pollute the concept of marriage? No way, look at these two and then tell me you still believe that. Every time we see them after that, they're the typical “We need a night away from the kids because we'll kill each other with our arguments” couple. Yet they have the gall to judge Tom when he's in Michigan because he takes up hunting. Yes, he makes a few things out of the skins and fur of the animals he kills, which is perhaps a tad odd, but don't they know the situation? Were they not informed on Tom's and Violet's current standings? Doesn't ANYONE use a cellphone or social network in these movies when we don't see them? And yet they start acting like Tom's an idiot or weirdo for the choices he makes? Fork you! Especially you, Alex. You're a douchebag who's too preoccupied with your dick to be taken seriously. You're inappropriate, unprofessional and too damn smug.

Also, Violet's fellow students aren't exactly the cream of the crop either. One's obsessed with masturbation, one's a snarky bitch who we're supposed to like and the other's a nutjob with poor English, which makes me think they were trying to go for a racist stereotype just because he's Asian. Those characteristics pretty much define them from the start and all the way to the end.
Hell, I can't even remember their names, that's how I know them. Ol' Wanky, Supposed-To-Be-Sympathetic Shrew and What The Hell Is Wrong With You, Dude? Are the names I ascribe to them.

But that's not all, Tom's friend Tarquin (Brian Posehn) is basically his character Kevin from Just Shoot Me! If you took him out of the office and made him swear more. He was a creepy weirdo there (when it worked), he's a creepy weirdo now. Man, that guy is stereotyped. And I actually thought very highly of his voiceover for The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto.

Oh and anyone going for Jacki Weaver? Barely does anything. Her role is essentially “Hurry up and get married already!” ad infinitum. Not worth it.

Rhys Ifans is about the only character I can borderline respect, in that he doesn't piss me off as much as the others. But some of the crap he pulls...

  1. The writing. Jason Segel co-wrote this. I was shocked to discover that. I expected better writing, especially after the magnificence of The Muppets. I mean, the guy's smart. I imagined he would have been able to pick apart romantic comedy conventions and turn them on their ear, create something different. And to its credit, the film does attempt gender-flipping the roles, with Violet being the primary breadwinner, while Tom's around the house more, and he often gets to be the more emotional one, something usually assigned to the leading female. And for a little while, it works. But after Winton (that's Rhys Ifans' character, Violet's professor) and Violet drunkenly kiss (which I totally called, by the way. That's another problem with the writing, it's telegraphed), Tom suddenly has this attitude of “I am a man and as a man, I have to beat the crap out of him!” and we're back to crap.
Again, to the film's credit, I was a little amused by Rhys Ifans' ninja-Spider-Man-like
evasion when fighting Tom (but then, it also reminded me he's going to be in a much
superior movie soon to be released), but what it culminates in as a near-tryst with a co-worker at the deli Tom works at. A co-worker who appeared all of maybe ONE time before now, and barely said anything to him (this appears to be a recurring trait, it happens again before the end of the film). With both of them drunk, she takes off his clothes and insists they have sex, and he constantly refuses (which I totally called the minute she was introduced, too. Told you it was telegraphed.) and he leaves, walking aimlessly, before sleeping in the snow overnight and ends up losing his big toe to frostbite. He wakes up in hospital, with Violet by his side, and they tearfull break up because he tells her he had sex with the co-worker, because he can't remember exactly what happened and based on the evidence, he goes with that.


NO! NO NO NO NO NO! You failed, movie! This was your big chance to show just how good a person Tom ultimately was, and made them realize how close they came to falling apart. But nooooo, you decided to go with this stupid act and still make him the villain. Jason, why? Why did you write yourself to be the one who is always wrong? Like with the crossbow scene, in which Violet ends up with an arrow to the knee (cue meme here, yadda yadda yadda), Alex and Suzie start screaming at him. I'm sorry, who the Hell are you two to talk about bad judgement? Yes, he shouldn't have left a LOADED crossbow on the table for a child to use, but you had a shotgun wedding, you lose all rights to complain about bad judgement you twits!

  1. The big plothole. So, Tom and Violet want to put the wedding off while Violet's doing her program, presumably because of the expense and stress. So, here's my solution... why not just go through a justice of the peace initially and THEN do the big to-do after everything's settled down? That way, you can save money and do what you need to, but you'll still be married.
“But David”, you're saying “How dare you suggest couples get married quick and easy instead of having a special, wonderful day!” You'll note that I NEVER said they CAN'T. What I mean is, if you're really that devoted to each other, does it matter how it happens, so long as it's legally binding and you feel so strongly about each other that circumstance is irrelevant? You can still have a big day down the track, but I'm concerned when people think the wedding matters more than anything else. Yes, it is important and needs a lot of planning, money and time, but are you getting married because you love your partner or because you just want the wedding and you like the idea of being married? If you can have your big day as quickly as you want, that's great, more power to you. But it's not like Tom and Violet are seniors in high school who can't figure these things out.

Now, you could say it's a psychological thing, like beneath it all, they know they're not ready. I'd say, they're smart enough to figure that out and work it out sooner.

Also, since they end up fighting a lot and separating, the ending in which everyone cheers them on to get married just doesn't work. Time away from someone may give you time to reflect and think things out, but unless you actually address the problems, you're going to be doing this time and time again.

OK, so it may not be a big plothole as such, but if they sat down and talked it out, this movie would have been a lot shorter.
But combined with all the other problems, what we have is a huge amount of wasted potential. Even if Jason, Emily and Rhys are really trying, this could have been a whole lot smarter. But I got suckered in and what I got instead was a movie that filled me with so much hatred, it's very nearly the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I give it 0.5/5 and I strongly urge you all to avoid it, unless you're riffing on it. Or if you're Mathew Buck, in which case, here's yet another for Bad Movie Beatdown. Proceed with caution, Mat.

Tuesday 8 May 2012

Urge To Hulk Out, Rising...


Today, however, is not so much of an “I'm fuming with rage” post so much as it is “these things annoy me. This needs to stop”.

Last Friday night, I was watching a TV program before leaving for work. It's a local show, called Adam Hills In Gordon Street Tonight. It's a light entertainment comedy/interview program, hosted by one of our greatest (if not greatest among any nation) comedians. In this episode, he was doing his opening monologue and talking about a survey the audience did about things they found annoying that should be considered a petty crime, before proceeding to read a list of said offenses out (one such offense was overuse of the word "like" in a sentence) and banging a gavel as if to declare them outlawed, all in the name of fun and comedy.
And while I enjoyed the bit for what it was, it got me thinking on some of the things that “grind my gears”, so to speak.

So, listed below are ten things (not a definitive top ten, just ten random things) that annoy or frustrate me. I've decided to keep it based on seemingly little things, and avoid certain people or groups (with one exception), since that'll just get me more angry and if need be, they can form a sequel to this post (so Charlie Sheen and Jersey Shore gets away THIS time).

So, let's get to these things that I would like to see vanish from my life. I'll try and keep my work pet-peeves out of it as much as possible (I could do a whole blog on that too, if I felt it could actually be interesting). The items are not in any real order.

  1. TV shows and a lack of a “play all” option.
Look, I get that not everyone's going to sit down and marathon a show on their down time like I do, but who would get a TV show on DVD and go “Hmmm, eight twenty minute episodes on this disc, I think I'll just watch one and put it away”? What's the point of even doing that if you're just going to shut it off in twenty minutes?
But anyway, take the show Big Love. I have four out of five seasons (the last one is due at the end of this month down here) and they haven't learnt to give me the option to play all episodes so I'm not navigating through menus every hour or so.
Related to that, for shows with a play all option, why is it when I check the time remaining, they give me the remainder for the one episode I'm on, rather than the collective? Hell, Mad Men went backwards with this. It started with “time remaining on episode only”, then finally went with “if you chose to play all, we've added up the time for you” and back to the first one for the fourth season.
Bottom line, give me the option to play all (whoa, I think I channeled James Rolfe there for a minute)

  1. Lack of manners in modern day society.
I've already done a whole blog about this, but it's still a huge pet peeve of mine. When someone says “Hello”, you should respond in kind. Also, “please” and “thank you” are good things, not curse words that will have people throwing stones at you. So, remember those. And remember to show some gratitude.

  1. Songs cut short on the radio
If you're not going to play Lyin' Eyes by The Eagles or Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad by Meat Loaf from start to finish, don't play them at all. You're doing those songs a disservice by cutting out verses and lines (and this is an oldies station I'm referring to with those two!)
“But David”, you might say “Those songs are pretty long anyway. Surely an edit would help keep the listener's interest?”
Let's forgo the fact that it's not like these songs will push albums these days, awesome as they are, and I'll ignore the fact you even dare consider having them edited, but when I can hear Led Zeppelin's Stairway To Heaven or another Eagles song, Hotel California, in full glory, I have to wonder why some songs are edited while some are left intact.
But another point: on another radio station, I once heard Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal playing, but THAT was trimmed down, too! For Christ's sakes, it's only a little over four minutes long! If people can't pay attention for that long, too bad for them!
So, play the songs in full or don't bother.

  1. “ATM machines” and “PIN numbers”
     Fun fact for the day: ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine and PIN stands for Personal Identification Number. So, when I hear “ATM machine”, I feel like saying “Oh, you're looking for a machine that makes ATM's? Can't say I've seen any of those around here”. This might be closely related to grammar Nazi tendencies but it still annoys me. But I want to know who started it and how they couldn't figure out what the M and N stand for.

  2. People asking bluntly for directions.
    I should clarify this one a little. If a person comes to me and says “Excuse me, but could you please tell me how to get to (insert name of place here)?” Despite the fact that I barely know my way around anywhere, since if I'm not at work or home, I'm visiting family or at the cinema or library, I do appreciate the fact that they have considered I may not be able to help them and it comes across as “I thought I'd give it a try, because you may be able to help me” and I don't mind that.
    What I do mind, though, is the question phrased thusly: “How do I get to (insert name of place here)?”
    First, how about a “please” or an “excuse me”? Second, I don't recall telling you I know every road and path to your destination. Just because you want me to have the answer doesn't mean I have the answer. So, how about asking how good I am with directions first, instead of just going “You must know where this place is, because I command you to.” Not how the world works.

  1. The “bitches love” meme.
I acknowledge it may be “like” and not “love”, but quite frankly, I couldn't give a toss. But whoever started this, let me ask you... you do know that women aren't things, right? That they're people, like what I assume you are? Well, I may not be “down” with the kids today, but last I checked, calling women “bitches” in a casual way was basically another way of saying “Women are objects, and it's fun to hit them!” You may have female friends that you call “bitch” playfully, but that's between you and that one woman. So, show some respect for women or leave this planet. Now.
For the record, I will say I like the parodies because they aren't offensive to women. Like the one with the car in the ditch. Heck, my friend Mary created one based on a suggestion I made, swapping out “bitches” for “witches” to make “I'll get her a black cat. Witches love black cats”. See? I created something funny AND it doesn't offend women! And it's true, black cats are familiars for witches, same as ravens and such. Also, her poster is neat!

  1. LMFAO.
And here's that exception I mentioned above. To call this music is an insult to the word music, and if it could manifest itself to corporal form and punch me, I would not stop it. I'm not that big on dance anyway but this barely qualifies. It's like it's trying to parody music, like it wants to suck on purpose. Well, sometimes you can go too far and instead of being so bad it's good, it becomes so bad it's kill-it-with-fire level bad. So, take your noise and bugger off. Also, if you're going to name yourselves after internet slang, you deserve kicks to the face every hour, on the hour. So, look into that. The face-kicky thing.

  1. Online multiplayer only.
Remember the days where if you wanted to play a video game with the person next to you, they just had to pick up a control and it was that simple? What happened to those days? With gaming technology getting more advanced these days, I have to wonder when did we sacrifice the ability to be able to play a game with the person sitting to our right and left in exchange for only being able to play random people online. Much like the play all option on DVD's, is there a reason these options can't co-exist? What if I don't have online play? The Halo games on my Xbox 360 have both, why can't every other game that offers online multiplayer only?

  1. Movie poster covers on books
I get that when a book gets adapted into a movie, the book gets inevitably re-released with a cover using a poster from the movie. Let's forgo the fact that most people are allergic to books, since only “nerds and geeks read books anymore” so your plan to increase book sales won't fly, most people who want to read the books will choose the original anyway. Why? Because we don't trust the re-release. We don't know if it's been edited to line up with the movie more, or if it's a novelization. Yes, a book based on a movie based on a book. They have happened. I'll stick with the original cover anytime I can.

  1. Some of the decisions made by DC for the New 52.
Yeah, I am going to do a whole blog on this at some point, probably mid-June when I've gotten all the issues I need to complete what would be the first trades for the seven titles I'm collecting, but here's a couple points to go on:
- Action Comics sometimes reads like a cliché X-Men story
-It's hard to keep track of where in time a story is, considering when Justice League starts, when Action Comics starts, and how long Batman's been operating for
-Where certain characters are and why they don't have their own books (Captain Marvel and Plastic Man don't get books but Deathstroke does? The Hell's that about?)

So yeah, short list on stuff that pisses me off. It may be “first world problems” (I HATE that meme too, I'll be getting to that in the final blog of the week) but I wasn't going to tackle the big stuff, like politics or people, because it would piss me off too much and I'm trying to vent, not make myself even angrier.


So, what little things piss you off and why?


Thursday 3 May 2012

Can We Get A Prequel To The Sequel's Prequel's Sequel?


Here's a shocker for you: I love movies. So much that this blog might as well just focus on movies. Though a huge part of that is due to the fact that I want to try and reach 50 movies for the year like I did last year, and blogging makes great practice should I ever become a film reviewer, regardless of how low a probability that is.

In any case, I want to take a break from looking at the latest releases (next week I will resume reviewing the newest films to hit my shore) and talk about something that caught my eye.
I was reading a magazine I got from work (one we would have thrown out anyway) and in the back, they had a poll taken from a site called GlobalGrind (I tried looking on the site to see if there was an article or poll about it but was unable to find it) about the movies that people wanted to see a sequel or prequel to the most. The ten listed were:

  1. Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy
  2. Fight Club
  3. Finding Nemo
  4. Coming To America
  5. 21 Jump Street
  6. Boyz N The Hood
  7. Office Space
  8. Baby Boy
  9. The Goonies
  10. Zombieland

I have to say, quite surprised at a few entires on this list. I expected things that were already sequels, like the desire for another Rambo or another Crank movie (I have no idea what the kids are into these days, is Crank even a franchise anymore? Never seen it, so I can only speculate).
When I first read the list, I immediately sat down and thought how many of these could work as a sequel. And so I decided, I'd blog about that. And I will ask right from the start: who wants prequels to these? Honestly, I don't see any of them working as a prequel. Hell, if you go the route of “Movie Title: The Beginning” or something, Fight Club's not even viable. And there's no Nemo to find in a prequel, since at the start of the movie, we see him as an egg.

But enough about that, let's talk sequels.

-Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy
Well, this one is already getting a sequel, so either this list happened a month ago or the news hasn't spread like wildfire, which I would have assumed it had. And quite frankly, I am extremely excited at the prospect of a sequel, since it was announced in 2010 that the script for the sequel had been pitched, and director Adam McKay had said that actors Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd and Steve Carell would take pay cuts to see this happen. And you have to wonder, when the actors willingly slash their own price, isn't that what the studios like to hear, since it means more money for them to buy solid gold toilets or whatever stupid crap they buy?
But eventually, a deal was reached, and the fandom rejoiced. Can the sequel work? I say if the major players are back, damn right it can! I mean, if they had the script ready and the actors are really eager to do it again, then it has to be good. So much can still go wrong but I'm being optimistic about this one. You might even say I'm a glass case of emotion. You may now throw your eggs at me for that remark.

-Fight Club
General rule: if the book you're filming lacks a sequel, chances are any movie sequels not based on sequels to the book will suck (I call it the “Stephen King no book sequel” rule). Last I checked, Chuck Palahnuik's never done a sequel to any of his books. Some may be set in the same universe, I'm not sure of that, but that's the closest you would get.
Also, why would Fight Club need a sequel? Most people remember it for the done-to-death “First rule of Fight Club” line and that shows why a sequel is a bad idea: most people probably didn't get the bigger picture and what the movie set out to do. Now, not everybody is going to see eye to eye and some movies have that many different interpretations, you could make so many different cuts to that effect, but I get the feeling people were watching it and going “Hurrr, Brad Pitt kicked that guy's ass! Whoa, explosions!” So, no. No sequel. There's nothing to go on, not unless Chuck's doing a book sequel or writes the movie's script himself. And in those cases, I may reconsider.

  • Finding Nemo.
Why do I get the feeling if this did happen it would actually have a 2 at the end? Even worse, it would be a rehash of the first film. And I have to say, as good as it is, PIXAR has done better. A lot better. And I'm someone who thinks Toy Story 3 is a must-see but it wasn't even my favourite animated film of 2010 (Hell, I liked Despicable Me better. On that note, I am really keen to see the sequel to that one). Also, if you are going to do a sequel to a PIXAR movie, why not The Incredibles 2? There is so much potential for story and character growth that I can't believe PIXAR hasn't jumped at the chance. I mean, as much as I will never turn down a PIXAR film, did we need Cars 2? I mean, I haven't seen it yet, but Cars is my least favourite so far, mostly because the theme's old hat and they don't really try anything new with it. And Monsters University? A prequel? Seriously? Look, I'm going to give it a chance but I'm actually worried about that one. Brave, on the other hand, looks more promising.

  • Coming To America
As much as I enjoyed the movie, I just don't see how a sequel would work. What would it be called, “Back To America”? Why would we need to go back?

  • 21 Jump Street
Haven't seen it, do not want to see it (Jonah Hill AND Channing Tatum? And based on a show I've never seen and have no interest in? Where do I sign up to get away from it?!) but chances are, a sequel is likely. But seriously guys, it's only been... how long ago did it get released? Two months? Three? Just give it some time. It'll happen. Unfortunately for me.

  • Boyz N The Hood
Don't know if this makes me lose my movie viewing cred, but I haven't seen this yet (key word “yet”). There are that many films I want to see that some will often be forgotten, and with more movies coming out in cinemas and on DVD all the time, that just makes things harder.
As for a sequel... check the entry below the next one.

  • Office Space
I've seen this one, do I get my cred back? This one's great, what with the red staplers and Michael Bolton jokes, but again, what can a sequel do? I'm not saying I wouldn't see one, just that you'll have to convince me it can be done and done properly. A spin-off sequel, maybe.

  • Baby Boy
So, according to the Wikipedia entry, this is a spiritual sequel to Boyz N The Hood.
Now, while a spiritual sequel may not be the same as a direct sequel, that's as close as you're going to get, so I don't know why they even counted Boyz N The Hood in the first place. Face it, neither are getting a sequel. But then, we thought Hobgoblins would just die and stay dead and we were proven wrong...

  • The Goonies
Damn it, I guess I lose my cred again! I've never seen this. I don't think I even know what it's about. Something about kids and treasure and shuffling of truffles and chunks and a sloth? Seriously, this was never a thing for me and the people I grew up with. Maybe it's an American thing.
But despite all that, a sequel's not something I'd say is stupid. I mean, if it has this big a fanbase, I can't say the well can't produce another one like it. I don't like the chances but what do I know?

  • Zombieland
Aaaaaand, I take my cred back, thank you very much! Not only have I seen this one, I think it's great! Do I want a sequel? Hell yes I do! Last I read, they were planning either a sequel or a TV series. If the series can't retain the leads, don't do it. If they can, GIMME GIMME GIMME!

Well, that was fun. Maybe some day I should create a list of the top 10 movies I want to see sequels to. You know, I just might do that. In the meantime, what movies would you like to see continued and what do you think of the movies listed above and their chances at a sequel?

Wednesday 2 May 2012

Here Goes Nothing


As promised last blog (after all my apologies and thank you's), here is the tribute I have created in honour of the fourth year anniversary.
I have made up the lyrics to go along with Billy Joel's song We Didn't Start The Fire. Now, if you're not a Billy Joel fan, I'm sorry for that (and here I go again). If you actually full on hate him, please note I chose this song because the format worked better for a list, like what I've done.
Now, some other things to note:

  • I've included names of personalities, producers, fans and such but if your name isn't here, it was cut due to time and such, and is not vindictive on my part (like I said last blog, there is only one person I will not support that was, key term WAS, involved with this site, and leave it at that) so please don't take it personally.
  • Some names you will notice aren't actually members of the site in any way (most notably, the guys at Cinemassacre get name checked), but because they've been involved with several videos, it only feels right to include them. Now, someone like Yahtzee, for example, hasn't had anything to do with the site (to my knowledge) so he's not here.
  • I swap between real names and character names because some are easier to rhyme. Remember, the main aim of this, besides celebrating the good folks at Channel Awesome, was to rhyme cohesively and I'd like to think I didn't entirely suck at it.
  • As to why I didn't record this myself, instead of writing it in a blog like I have, please consider the following: my tech's not that great, I'm not much of a tech head anyway and even if I could record it, I don't have the confidence to sing on camera anyway.
Now, the song doesn't quite match these lyrics perfectly. In fact, after the first verse, I considered giving up. However, I found that, with the exception of the chorus and possibly the last verse, there is one part in particular that gets close enough. So, for the purposes of this song, pretend Billy Joel's keeping time with this part the whole way bar the end and chorus:

“Beggin, Reagan, Palestine,
Terror on the airline
Ayatollah's in Iran,
Russians in Afghanistan”

Alright, I think I've covered everything. If you want to YouTube the song and try and match it up, go right ahead. If you know the song and don't want to, I'll be including the time marks for when there's silence.

OK, here we go. *Crosses fingers that this goes down well*
    *Wait 32 seconds*

Nella is a fan of Kirk
Todd thinks Chris Brown is a jerk
Tom and Mickey make quite a team
Sage just wants to hear us scream

JewWario's games come from Japan
And Linkara is a man
SYMBOLISM! Is Mat's catch phrase
CR hosts There Will Be Cake

Wait 8 seconds

Mike J with his cup of tea
Welshy is defending Pirates 3
Please get out of Spoony's Way
Critic, I did like your Let's Play

Suede is back for all to see
For Phantom fans, we have Lindsay
Iron Liz, please roll that die
While we watch the latest Coldguy

This is for Channel Awesome
A celebration across every nation
This is for Channel Awesome
And for all the fans, spread throughout the lands

Maven's a creature of the night
Angry Joe will lead the fight
Nash is screaming obscenities
Time for Film Conscience with Luke Mochrie

Sad Panda, Forget About That
But we will never forgot Lord Kat
Gamer and Goggles may have left
Under fair use, this isn't theft

Shout out to Kyle, Mike and James
Pushing Up Roses and her games
Let's go gaming with Benzaie
Before catching up with That Sci-Fi Guy

Obscurus Lupa hates Gooby
Cinema Snob covers trashy movies
Last Angry Geek has issues, too
Who hates Sucker Punch? JesuOtaku!

This is for Channel Awesome
A celebration across every nation
This is for Channel Awesome
And for all the fans, spread throughout the lands

We have a critic who covers rap
Phelous trudges through horror crap
MarzGurl covering Don Bluth
No Australians? I say strewth!

Still Gaming, the host is Lee
Diamanda tortures minions with glee
Skitch makes music for the site
Team FourStar, abridged done right

Wait 3 seconds

But Little Kuriboh is great too
Vangelus has toys for you
Read Right To Left with your host, Nik
Roo shows you how consoles tick

ChaosD1 reviews MMO's
The Gaming Den is Dena's show
Onacitizen of Brows Held High
Epic Fail with that Sean Fausz guy

This is for Channel Awesome
A celebration across every nation
This is for Channel Awesome
And for all the fans, spread throughout the lands

Invasion of Molassia
Detailed in Kickassia
Then we have Suburban Knights
Ending in an epic fight

Don't forget about the first year Brawl
Good times that were had by all
Now we're going into space
Possibly even a great big chase

Who knows what's in the years to come?
All I know is they are not done
I'll keep coming back for more
And DVD's I hope to score!

This is for Channel Awesome
A celebration across every nation
This is for Channel Awesome
And for all the fans, spread throughout the lands

Holly and Bridget keep things going strong
Bhargav, Mike, Rob, you're in this song!
Jillian, I did not forget you
And Oreo, she is so cute!

How could I forget the fans
They are such a merry band
Justin, Fran, Jesh and Chris
Jeff and Christy, you're in this!

Jada, Leo, Brian, Morgans as well
Ned, Tash, Nic and Matt are swell
Alex, Devin, Nigel and Isaac
Boy it's so hard keeping track

I'm sure that there are many more
But it's too hard to keep a score
Sorry for all forgotten (including Paw)
But the song is finished, I CAN'T NAME THEM ANYMORE!

This is for Channel Awesome
A celebration across every nation
This is for Channel Awesome
And for all the fans, spread throughout the lands

And repeat until finish

Well, that's my meager offering for Channel Awesome. If anyone from the company or fandom does end up seeing this, I hope you like it, it's my gift to you (and no, you can't return it for a melon baller). If you were offended in any way, I offer the biggest apology I can, as I do not mean to offend. If you want to comment, feel free to do so!

P.S Paw, if your followers, fellow contributors or yourself end up reading this, I didn't actually forget you, I just had that rhyme picked out early on and I liked it. Sorry, dude XD.

P.P.S For anyone who wants to point out that I have an 's' next to Morgan, that is intentional, for both the Morgans I know in the fandom.

P.P.P.S For anyone who wonders why Oreo got a name check, I offer this explanation... PUPPEH! =D And that's all I need to say.